Criticism in the form of faultfinding or name-calling is an attack, because it does not come from love or respect for the other person. When we are criticized, we feel attacked and defend ourselves in one of several ways.

Here are the 5 ways criticism destroys relationships:

1. We may attack back by finding fault with our attacker.
2. We may comply in an attempt to ward off more criticism.
3. We may be passive-aggressive and ignore what they say.
4. We may be vengeful and actually do even more of the thing that bothers them just to get back at them.
5. We may defend ourselves by trying to prove that we are not in the wrong.

The problem is that defenses of any kind only escalate problems in the relationship, because the defense becomes an attack on the other person.

This does not mean that you can’t tell someone when you don’t like his or her behavior. However, how you tell them is everything. If you tell them when you are angry, you will never get heard, because people automatically defend themselves from anger. If someone even points a finger at us, it feels uncomfortable and we react by becoming defensive. Our walls go up and we don’t hear what they have to say.

If you want another person to really listen to what you have to say and respect your opinion, you must first show that you respect them through using words of understanding, empathy, and validation. This establishes you as someone safe who does not want to hurt him or her.

A suggestion is just that and not a demand, so harping on a point is just trying to prove you are right, which is conflictual and negative. Have faith in the other person to do what is best for them in that moment. They don’t have to take your advice. If they don’t take your advice, and they fall on their face, be there for them in a supportive way so they can learn and grow from the experience. “I told you so,” is a criticism and is not supportive.

If a person who appreciates you for the person you are makes a suggestion, you are more likely to listen to that person than someone who is just criticizing you, pointing out your faults, or worrying about you unnecessarily because they lack faith in you. When a person is supportive of you, their comments are seen as suggestions for improvement and not criticisms.

How do you like people who criticize you? Not much, I’d venture. We don’t usually feel good about ourselves when we are around people who are critical of us. We enjoy being around people who accept and appreciate us just the way we are. No one likes a critic! While we can overcome our reaction to them, they may still be at the bottom of our popularity list.

I remember comforting a young teenage girl who was jealous because a new girl was getting all the attention of her friends. When I asked her to describe the new girl, the first thing she thought of was how accepting and nonjudgmental the new girl was of everyone. I asked, “Do you like that?” When she replied that she did like it, I asked her if she thought she was that way herself. With a shocked look on her face, she reflected on her own judgmental nature and admitted that, like her friends, she would prefer being around a nonjudgmental person. She was a fast learner and began altering her critical attitude, which changed her popularity with her peers.

The post 5 Ways Criticism Destroys Relationships appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

When doctors measure your heart’s activity with an EKG or your brain’s activity with an EEG, the graphs show the frequency patterns of electricity running through them. Three thousand years ago, the Chinese realized our bodies are electrical and decided to map the circuits. We call this map the meridian system, which is the basis of Chinese medicine, acupuncture and acupressure. These forms of energy psychology can be used to treat trauma; energy psychology for trauma.

When you experience a traumatic event, not only does it disturb you emotionally, but your body’s energy pathways get short circuited. It is like having someone stick a screw driver into your wiring system. This short circuit is triggered by people, things or situations that are in anyway similar or associated with the traumatizing event. It throws you off balance. Repeated triggering not only re-traumatizes you, but makes inappropriate associations or energy pathways in your nervous system that change your personality and way of dealing with life.

Everyone has experienced events that were traumatic for them, events that involved embarrassment, pain, loss or danger. These traumatic events are stored in the nervous system and become “the buttons” that get pushed by others, throwing you out of balance. This is why years of using talk therapy alone may not heal old wounds.

Scientific breakthroughs in energy psychology have made techniques available that bring effective, long lasting relief. They can help you understand yourself holistically and make connections between mind, body and spirit in therapy. You can learn to bring all aspects of yourself into balance by reconnecting the short circuits and getting in touch with your innate spiritual nature. Then you will see yourself differently and experience more happiness and freedom in your life.

Along with energy psychology, I use the most powerful healing resources available, which are compassion, intuition, spiritual guidance, faith, forgiveness and love, because an open heart brings quicker results from all healing methods.

Were You Traumatized?

See a list of trauma symptoms and learn what you can do about it. Learn how you can trigger an innate, natural stress release process in the brain that often produces rapid and long lasting changes even when other types of treatment have failed.

• Do disturbing memories haunt you or interfere with your sleep?
• Are you afraid to go places or do things that are important to you?
• Were you in an accident or natural disaster?
• Did you witness an assault or rape, or were you the victim of violence?
• Were you physically, emotionally or sexually abused or assaulted?
• Did you lose a loved one suddenly through an accident, suicide or violence?
• Do you suffer from depression, anxiety, addiction, phobia or self-esteem issues?
• If you answered “Yes” to even one of these questions, the effects of trauma may be interfering with your happiness, productivity, popularity and success. Most people don’t realize that they have been traumatized. The symptoms of trauma show up in many different ways, including personality changes, aggressive and avoidance behaviors, withdrawal, fearful reactions, re-experiencing traumas, memory and concentration problems, sleep disorders, and nervous habits.

Most people don’t seek therapy for one of the following reasons:

1) They don’t recognize the impact of traumatic events on them

2) They don’t think anything can help, or

3) They don’t want to bring up painful memories, thinking that “not remembering” will protect them from the pain.

Like ostriches with their heads buried in the sand, some people think that by denying or repressing a memory, it won’t affect them, while those around them may be painfully aware of its affects.

One of the biggest myths is that time heals all wounds. Time does not heal all wounds. They may not remain on the surface, but they are still active as triggers that reinforce old wounds. Unhealed wounds are emotional buttons that get pushed involuntarily, triggering inappropriate emotional and sometimes physical reactions that adversely affect our lives and our health. They can actually get worse over time

Until recently, most people have been unaware of any effective methods for giving significant help to those suffering from trauma and Post Traumatic Stress. Now there are several powerful energy psychology tools available that can trigger an innate, natural stress release process in the brain that often produces rapid and long lasting changes even when other types of treatment have failed.

Kalie Marino, MSW, clinical therapist, specializes in trauma and relationship issues. She can be reached at 215-672-1599 for private sessions and educational lectures.

The post It’s Not All In Your Head – Energy psychology for trauma appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

Many, if not most, people are afraid to forgive. This may be due in part to myths about forgiveness. Some of these myths are promoted by helping professionals. Survivors of abuse are frequently taught not to forgive or they will be abused again. This perpetuates a myth that maintains holding grievances will keep them safe. It depicts forgiveness as condoning crime and, therefore, a sign of weakness that compromises safety. How little these experts appear to know about the power and process of real forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not something we can do only when we are safe. It is a process we can begin to make us safe. Safety is the demonstration that forgiveness is complete, not what one gives up to be able to forgive.

Waiting to forgive until we feel safe is the same as waiting to heal until we feel healthy. Fear is the sickness that forgiveness heals. Forgiveness begins as an act of courage to face our fears and is completed through perceptual shifts as we experience the strength of a higher power within us. It takes courage to forgive, because we need it to overcome the fear that hides inside of our anger and our pain.

Fear, anger, and resentment distort our perception of others, our situations and ourselves. When we have been hurt, we project the traumatic and painful experiences of our past onto our present environment. We make painful assumptions to anticipate danger in an effort to prevent ourselves from being hurt again. This emotional state becomes a present nightmare that is happening only in our minds. It does not protect us. It blinds us to our present reality; a state of mind that is dangerous to our health and our relationships.

Forgiveness begins with the willingness to find a way to see our situation, in which we can be at peace. It is a way to make peace with our past so that we can live in peace and safety in the present. The emotional pain of judgment and fear can become so intolerable that we are driven to the point of forgiveness as our only way out. However, there is another way. We can choose to forgive as a way of life that doesn’t allow grievances to grow.

No matter how small our willingness is, the forgiveness process has begun once we have opened our minds to new possibilities. We begin to seek solutions instead of justifying defenses. A series of perceptual shifts follows as our willingness to find peace grows. Willingness is the stuff miracles are made of. Miracles begin to happen as attitudes change and safety is created out of the new strength we find emerging inside of us.

Forgiveness is a process that begins as an act of courage when we are afraid. It may take a very long time or it can be completed in an instant. It requires great courage, strength, understanding and self-respect, qualities that those who have been abused need to find within themselves. These are qualities we all need to find within ourselves if we are to ever feel real freedom.

The act of forgiveness cannot be done just for the sake of the people who hurt us. Forgiveness helps those who were wounded find the inner strength to live without fear. We must learn to forgive for our own sake, so that we are free to be ourselves and free to love with open hearts.

The Goal: A Healed Relationship

How do we know when forgiveness is complete? Here are some of the signs of a healed relationship.

1. Safety. You see the other people as harmless. Either they begin to treat you well or you know how to deal with them so they cannot hurt you anymore.

2. You see other people as they are now, instead of how they were in the past. Expanding your awareness may give you new and valuable information. When you do see them as they really are, you may or may not prefer being with them, and you will be free to choose to leave or stay.

3. You can experience other people without feeling uncomfortable. Thoughts of them no longer bring you pain.

4. You no longer need payment for being with a person, and your presence is not required to receive benefits from them. If you want to be with them, it will be for enjoyment, not to get something from them.

5. Healing has the potential to create agreements that are acceptable to everyone involved, so that defenses are no longer needed.

6. You no longer behave in reaction to the way the others act. You are proactive and choose how you want to behave. You are free to be yourself and love, regardless of other peoples’ actions.

Fears and Myths of Healing

Forgiveness is scary because it is part of a healing process that can bring people closer together. The prospect of coming close to someone who has hurt you can be terrifying, bringing up defenses against the healing process itself.

We hang onto resentments and grievances to justify defensive actions we think we need to protect ourselves from being harmed. So, the closer people come to healing, the more defensive they can become, preventing themselves from healing the source of their pain. This is a vicious cycle that can keep people trapped in unhealthy relationships.

Listed below are some of the fears that may stop you or someone you know from forgiving. Check the ones that apply to you and see if they are true or false. The main fears are written in italics, and the myths or assumptions that support those fears are underlined. (Change the pronouns to feminine or plural where applicable for you.)

Remember, these are fears, not facts. While fears are real feelings, the beliefs they are based on are not real. They are myths; false assumptions you have accepted as true. People use these assumptions to justify hanging onto the past, grievances, negative thoughts, resentments, defenses and fears.

Comments on the validity of each assumption are written inside the parenthesis. Since accepting these beliefs brings pain, wouldn’t it be wonderful to find out they aren’t true?

1. “If I forgive, I will have to give up my defenses, and I’ll get hurt again.” Defenses keep people safe. (False. Living defensively is dangerous to your health, and may antagonize others, becoming part of the problem. Defensive people are attacked more frequently than friendly people. There has to be a better way to live. Forgiveness can result in real safety.)

2. “If I forgive, I’ll be giving into him.” Forgiveness makes people weak. (False. Forgiveness comes from strength. It is a powerful stance that demonstrates you are no longer controlled by your anger and emotional pain over his actions. It demonstrates invulnerability not weakness.)

3. “If I forgive, he’ll think it was all right to do that.” Forgiveness condones the action. (False. Forgiveness does not condone the other person’s actions. It frees you from painful emotional reactions, like the anger, that distort communications. Openly stating your needs and setting boundaries will prevent it from happening again, because he will know it is not all right to do that. Forgiveness helps to clarify understanding of the situation.)

4. “If I forgive, he’ll take advantage of me. I need my anger to keep me safe.” Anger make people strong and protects them. (False. Anger is toxic to relationships, weakens the immune system and interferes with clear perception, making people more vulnerable to disease and attack. Forgiveness improves the clarity of your thinking, and expanded awareness makes you less likely to be used.)

5. “If I forgive, I’ll have to stay with him, and I want to leave. I don’t want to give up my justification for leaving.” Relationships can’t be terminated without sufficient grievances, because good people don’t leave good people. (False. It happens all the time. Good people are not always compatible, and when they aren’t, they both may be better off by separating. When there are grievances, you don’t have clarity on your relationship and don’t really know what the problem is unless you heal the relationship first. Then, if you aren’t compatible, it would be possible to separate by mutual agreement and still remain friends. This is useful, especially if children are involved.)

6. “If I forgive, he’ll do it again.” People will repeat their mistakes unless they are punished for them. (False. Punishment is not rehabilitating. People repeat mistakes until they know a more effective way to get what they want. The open communication and mutual understanding that can come from forgiveness can be far more effective change agents.)

7. “If I forgive, he won’t have to pay for his actions.” Forgiveness takes away all consequences. (False. There are always natural consequences for everything we do. We all pay for our actions, one way or another. Your forgiveness won’t change that, but it will prevent you from having to pay for his actions with your emotional pain.)

8. “If I forgive, he won’t suffer for what he did to me, and I’ll never get over the damage he caused.” People who hurt me must suffer for me to feel better. (False. You are not dependent on your attacker for your healing. He does not have this power over you. You are always free to heal. Suffering does not heal anyone. While his apology would be helpful and may occur as part of a mutual healing process, it is not necessary for you to feel better.)

9. “If I forgive, he won’t owe me anything anymore, and then he might leave me. He stays to make up for what he did to me or for what I have done for him.” People don’t leave anyone to whom they owe a debt. (False. People frequently leave to escape the emotional pain of feeling indebted. They are more likely to stay where they feel understood.)

10. “If I forgive, he won’t be nice to me anymore. When he feels guilty, he is nicer to me.” Guilt stops people from misbehaving and makes them better people. (False. Guilt does not heal or strengthen. Guilt promotes avoidance and low self-esteem, a poor substitute for a caring relationship. Forgiveness opens the door to a more loving relationship.

11. “If I forgive, he won’t appreciate the suffering I’ve been through for him. Unless he remembers how much I’ve suffered for him, he won’t value me.” People appreciate those who suffer for them. (False. No one can feel appreciation and guilt at the same time. People feel guilty for causing others pain, resenting those who make them feel guilty and valuing those who help them feel innocent; those who help them like themselves, just the way they are.)

12. “If I forgive, I’ll give up my bargaining power, and he won’t give me anything for what he’s done to me.” Guilt makes people give more. (False. Forgiving relieves you of the burden of carrying around a heavy bag of grievances and negative emotions. It does not mean he does not have to be accountable for the consequences of his actions that are still present. If he owes you something, your peace and mental clarity will make it easier to make a settlement.)

13. “If I forgive, I’ll lose control and have to do what he wants. When he feels guilty, I get what I want.” People can get what they want by making others feel guilty. (False. While you may appear to be in control, people resent those who make them feel guilty or controlled, and so passively sabotage their happiness. Even if you get what you want through guilt, you are not safe, because you can lose control when you become guilty with one mistake of your own. We all live in glass houses. It’s safer to forgive and rely on genuine caring about each other to get what you both want.)

Remember forgiveness is not for wimps. It takes great courage to forgive, but the rewards are worth a lifetime of health, happiness and quality relationships.

The post Myths of Forgiveness appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

People usually think they can’t have peace until their bills are paid or their problems are solved. I have learned peace does not come from solutions. Solutions come as the result of our peace. Enjoy my furnace story, which is a practical example of how this works.

We used to have an old furnace that ran steam heat to our radiators. I had to fill the boiler with water about once a month. One day, I was speaking with my mom while I filled the boiler, and I forgot what I was doing. I went off shopping with Mom and left the water turned on. When we came home that afternoon, water was spurting out from the radiators, flooding the carpet, pouring over the piano keys, and spraying the walls, furniture, and drapes. What a horrifying sight!

I was surprisingly calm as I walked to the basement and turned off the water. I was even calm when I discovered the furnace was ruined. Mom asked me how I could be so calm about this. I told her I had faith in God to take care of us. (Besides, I knew our insurance would cover everything.) It was easy to have faith under those circumstances. I felt very virtuous in my peace. I had been studying A Course in Miracles for a few months and was sure that I had passed the test of faith. My spiritual ego was in great shape, filled with spiritual pride.

The next day, a furnace man came to assess the damage. He confidently told me he would help me lie about the cause of the damage so that the insurance company would pay to replace cost of the furnace. Fear flooded my body as if someone had just injected a quart of adrenaline directly into my veins. “What do you mean, they might not pay?” I shrieked. “I can’t tell a lie!”

He laughed and told me I had better learn how to lie real quick, unless I had about $4,000 to pay for a new furnace, plus the money to pay for the rest of the damage. He might as well have said the furnace would cost four million dollars, because this happened in the 1960s, when that was considered quite a lot of money. There was no way I could come up with that much money.

What was I going to do? It was winter, and I couldn’t let my family freeze. Should I lie? I considered lying as I drove to work. Which did I value more—my integrity, or taking care of my family? That was an impossible choice to make. It was a double bind. I couldn’t value my personal integrity over the welfare of others without being out of integrity, and I couldn’t value physical comfort over integrity without believing that integrity has a price, therefore being out of integrity. My integrity would be lost by either choice. These are the kinds of choices that the ego shows us. It is just full of lose/lose scenarios. This was not a real choice at all. A real choice brings peace.

By the time I reached work, I was going over The Course in my mind, trying to figure out exactly how to apply spiritual principles to this situation. The still, small voice in my mind said, “Choose peace as your only goal, and give the whole situation to God.” So, I kept repeating, “I want the Peace of God,” but it didn’t seem to relieve my anxiety at all. Fear was overriding everything.

When the insurance adjuster returned my call, I heard myself blurting out the truth. I couldn’t help it. It was my habit. I trusted that if I was a good girl and told the truth, I would somehow be rewarded for my virtue. I soon found out that the good girl rule wasn’t one the insurance adjuster used for paying claims. He told me the water damage upstairs would be covered, but he didn’t think the insurance company would pay for the damage to the furnace itself. “Insurance doesn’t cover household appliances,” he said. He promised to call the main office in New York, get their opinion, and call me back later.

Trusting God and wanting peace didn’t seem to be getting me what I wanted. That was upsetting, too. Nothing was working! But weren’t things supposed to work out right if we do the right thing?

Then I realized it wasn’t God that I was trusting! I had been trusting in the insurance company as my Source. Real peace is possible only when it is not dependent on external circumstances. As long as I saw the insurance company as my Source, I could only have peace if the insurance company paid my claim. That made peace extremely limited and dependent on outer circumstances.

Then I remembered an old affirmation, “God is my Source, my only Source.” I wanted to totally trust God to take care of the furnace, one way or another. I reasoned that God could use the insurance company to take care of the furnace, but that wasn’t the only way God could provide warmth for us. God had many avenues through which he could manifest support, even though I couldn’t imagine another one at that time. I wanted to be able to trust God. However, at that moment, trust was only a thought. It was an idea of a state in which I wanted to be. I wasn’t experiencing trust. I wasn’t in a trusting state of mind. I didn’t feel the peace of mind that comes with trust. I was terrified.

For the rest of the day, I chanted, “I want the peace of God. I want the peace of God.” I was determined to experience peace before the insurance adjuster called to let me know what the insurance company would pay. I didn’t want my peace to be dependent on the outcome of his call.

By late afternoon, I was much calmer, but I was not really at peace. When the adjuster called back, I prayed that he didn’t have an answer yet, because I didn’t have peace yet. I needed more time to reach a state of peace first. My prayer was answered when he said, “I won’t know for sure until tomorrow.” I was so relieved.

By late that evening, I was totally at peace and grateful to be experiencing peace without knowing whether the insurance company would pay for the furnace or not. I was at peace just knowing that God was in charge of the final outcome, and that He would take care of us one way or another. I had really given it over to God.

The next morning the insurance adjuster called to say, “The insurance company won’t pay for the furnace.” To my delight, I was totally at peace and accepting of this decision. I wasn’t the least bit upset. By then, I knew I was safely in God’s hands. That was some kind of a milestone for me. It felt wonderful.

Instead of crying or getting angry, as I would have done earlier, I calmly asked him to help me understand the basis of their decision. I only wanted to understand their decision, not to argue with it. The insurance adjuster explained, “The insurance policy does not cover malfunctioning appliances, only the damage they cause. It is up to homeowners to replace and maintain their own appliances.” That made sense to me.

Then it occurred to me to ask him a new question. “Let me see if I understand this clearly. If my car ran into one of my appliances and damaged it, would the appliance I damaged be covered by my homeowners insurance?”

“Yes. In that situation, it would be covered under accidental damage,” he replied. A light bulb came on in my mind. “Well, my furnace didn’t malfunction. I accidentally damaged it when I left the water turned on. My car didn’t run into the furnace. My hand ran into it.”

There was a long silence on the line. Then I heard the insurance adjustor say, “You’re right. I didn’t think of that. I’ll call New York right away.” The insurance company immediately agreed to pay for everything!

If I had still been depending on an insurance settlement to bring me peace, I would have panicked when the adjuster told me the company wasn’t going to pay. My fear and anger would have completely clouded my mind, and I never would have even thought of that question. When I was at peace, my mind was crystal clear and receptive to guidance. I had clarity because I was at peace.

It always pays to seek peace first. From a place of peace and power within, everything else works out. That’s just good old common sense at its best.

The Source you have or choose is not what matters. What does matter is feeling connected to a Higher Power that guides you and brings you peace, whether you call it God, Goddess, the Universe, etc. Again, if you need to put this on your mental shelf, then do so. But I highly suggest that you trust the process, and try it for yourself. Just like I did in the example above.

The post Seeking Peace Is Practical appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

Part I: The Journey Begins

My parents didn’t tell me my father was having his gallbladder removed until the night before the operation. They said it was just a minor operation, and they were afraid I would make the 550 mile trip to their house if they had let me know sooner.

During the operation, I was busy working at home. Suddenly I was struck by the thought that my father had cancer. Somehow, I had known the diagnosis at the same instant the doctors were reading the biopsy report. His whole body was filled with cancer. They stopped the operation and sewed him back up without removing his gallbladder. There was nothing more they could do.

Within the hour, my mom called me to confirm what I already knew. Dad’s cancer was very advanced. The doctors had said it was too late to do anything for him. Mom wanted me to drive down to Wichita, Kansas to be with my father when woke up and got the news himself.

As usual, Dad took it in his stride, as if he got news like this every day. He was well read on alternative healing methods, so I asked him what he wanted to do. He listed several possibilities. Then he said softly, “But it would be so easy to just to . . . give up.”  I could hear it in his voice that this was what he really wanted to do. So I told him, “That’s all right, too, Daddy. I’ll support you in anything you want to do.” He had a right to spend his last days peacefully. He quickly said that “of course” he’d fight for his life, as if he was trying to hide his real feelings from himself, letting me know that he was doing the“right thing” by seeking treatment. Dad was very loyal to his family.

He had just finished reading Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s book on the dying process. She points out that dying can a painful and lonely experience when no one talks about death with the dying person. They feel cut off from life and alone if they can’t share intimate feelings about dying with those closest to them. After all, dying is a major life event. I was grateful that her book had prepared him to experience his own dying process. “Daddy,” I said. “You don’t usually share your feelings with us, but now it’s going to be important for all of us to share our feelings. We need to support each other through this process.” He agreed and told me he would try to be more open with his feelings.

Part II: Denial

My father started an alternative treatment program, and everyone was optimistic about its success. Even though his doctor didn’t believe in the treatment my father had selected, he supported my father’s choice 100%, because he had no other option to offer him.

Dad did not share any feelings but optimism. Within the family, there was an unspoken agreement not to mention that anything but total recovery was possible, even though we all knew that might not happen. We were in denial of the possibility of death out of fear.

Father’s Day was rapidly approaching, and I wanted to get my dad a special card. But every time I looked at cards, I started crying. I was really having a tough time, and I couldn’t share that with anyone. I even felt guilty for what I considered to be negative thoughts.

One night about midnight, I could feel intuitively that my father was in pain. He hadn’t had any pain until then, so I had no rational basis for this      feeling. Never-the-less, I was very sure he was in pain. I began to cry and talk to him in my mind, as if we were together. The pain seemed to stop about three o’clock in the morning.

All the next day, I asked myself, what was I going to do about my feelings. Did I imagine the pain? Should I tell him how I felt? Would my feelings be negative and interfere with his healing process? I didn’t want to hurt him, but it was hurting me keeping all these emotions inside.

Then I remembered that day at the hospital when we had agreed that it was important for us to share our feelings. I realized that I was terrified to      do that. Maybe he was, too. Perhaps, someone had to go first. I decided to let it be me.

I didn’t know what to say, so I asked the God to help me. “Tell me what to do. Give me words that won’t hurt him.”

That night I called him to see if he had been in pain during the previous night or if I had imagined the whole thing. He told me he had experienced      pain for the first time that night, and that he experienced the pain between midnight and 3:00 am. This confirmation was my signal to share my feelings.

“Daddy, I have a problem,” I began. “I have been trying to buy you a Father’s Day card, but I just keep crying all over the cards.”

My father retorted in a gruff tone, “Well, I don’t plan to drop dead tomorrow!”

Then I started crying. “I know that Daddy. But it doesn’t matter if you die tomorrow, next week or ten years from now. I’m just now facing the fact that I won’t always have my Daddy with me, and that hurts.”

He became silent for a moment and then said softly, “That’s right. I remember when I lost my Dad. It was difficult for me, too.” This was the opening that he had needed to reach his heart. For the first time, my father began to share his feelings. He continued sharing them with everyone from then on. I learned from this that we don’t give a person permission to do something with words. We give permission by doing it ourselves.

When I told him that I loved him, he told me something that amazed me. He said that the first time he began to think I might love him was the day I let him come to my house and fix the plumbing.. I was floored, especially since I was a very demonstrative person; hugging, kissing, saying “I love you” often. I have since come to realize that, like my father, many people don’t feel loved unless they feel needed. I had always been very independent and did everything for myself. Receiving is a way of giving to those who need to be useful to feel loved. When I shared my grief with my father, he felt needed and loved.

Part III: Acceptance

When everyone finally accepted that the alternative treatment wasn’t helping Dad, he appeared relieved. He could let it go. He had an increase in energy and busied himself getting his house in order so that he could leave gracefully. Every day he gave my reluctant mother lessons in how to handle the finances. He gave away everything he owned to people who would enjoy them. He didn’t want to wait until after his death for people to receive his gifts. He wanted to enjoy giving his gifts in person. He invited people to the house, one at a time, so that he could tell them what they meant to him. He shared his feelings and his tears. He planned his memorial service at the church, sharing its contents only with my mom. It was to be a surprise gift to the rest of us. He had me make arrangements with the funeral home to have his body cremated and let them know that he wanted their participation limited to the cremation and supplying a cardboard box for his body. He had a deadline to meet and worked at it with great enthusiasm.

Although my father respected “A Course in Miracles,” he didn’t understand it. It wasn’t his way. His spiritual path was Alcoholic Anonymous. He really      enjoyed reaching out to help others through his 12 Step program.

One night, when my father was in pain, I asked him if I could read the Course to him. I always felt there was something healing in its sound current when read aloud, even if a person didn’t understand what it said. I asked him to just feel its vibrations without trying to understand it. He listened patiently as I read, and his pain disappeared! Many times after that, he asked me to read the Course to him when he was in pain.

In the last days of my father’s life, we put a hospital bed in the living room so that he wouldn’t miss anything. He wanted to die at home so that extreme means couldn’t be used to save his life, forcing him to live in pain.

One day my Dad turned to me and said, “I’m so grateful that you’ve let me go. Do you thing your mother is ever going to be ready to let me go?” He looked so distressed that I asked him if he wanted to die, because of the pain. He thought for a moment and replied, “I don’t think anyone really wants to die. But I think we reach a point where it’s okay to die.”

Dad and I had an agreement that I would help him cross over when it was time for his body to die. He knew that I had helped others through the dying process and wasn’t afraid of death myself, because of my own near-death experience.

Part IV: Passing Over

After returning from my father’s house, I fell sound asleep, exhaused. One hour later, my father called to say that he was bleeding internally. It was time for me to help him across. No matter how much I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t make the 10 hour drive back without getting at least a few hours sleep. Reluctantly, I told Dad that he would have to wait. He said, “I’ll wait for you.”

I wasn’t prepared for the sight that greeted me when I arrived at my parent’s home the following afternoon. Dad was vomiting fountains of blood and black stuff. My oldest two sons were holding the vomit pan and lovingly cleaning him after each round of heavy projectile vomiting. Dad looked exhausted as he said to me, “I waited.”

I thanked my boys for their loving service and told them I would take over now. Thad, my oldest son, was relieved and left immediately. He is very sensitive and was overwhelmed by my father’s pain as well as his own grief. David is also very sensitive. However, to my surprise, he insisted on staying. “No, I want to stay and take care of him.”

The nurse was there to give him a shot for pain and taught me how to give him the next hourly injection. My father said softly, “In an hour, I won’t hurt anymore.”

The nurse took me outside to tell me how horrible the circumstances of my father’s death were going to be. She wanted someone to be prepared for the nightmare that was to come. The list of expected symptoms and events were long and hideous. The last thing she said was, “Your father’s lungs are filling with blood, and he is going to drowned to death. It will be a horrible death. Like a drowning man, he will hit and lash out as he struggles to breathe.”

Then something in me snapped as I turned to her and said, “No! Peace and fear cannot abide together!” Peace is always shared. So I walked      into the house and demanded of God, “I want peace, and I want it now!”  And I got peace in an instant. The Course states that “when peace is all you want, peace is all you’ll get.” This peace was so deep and so complete that all my emotions left, and I had the perfect clarity I needed to help      my father make his last journey.

I asked Dad, “Are you ready to look for the light?” He nodded his head in agreement. “Then let’s get busy,” I said. I asked everyone to leave the room as I began filling the room with light. I shared with my father what I was seeing as angels appeared to help him across.

Suddenly, I was aware of the presence of Jesus. “Daddy,” I called out. “Jesus is here.” Dad’s head lifted slightly as his eyes opened wide. He was looking up into something with a look of awe, wonder, and peace. He had a look on his face that I had never seen before. I asked for confirmation,      “Are you seeing The Light, Daddy?” He moved his head slowly up and down without changing his gaze. I called Mom to come back into the room. “It’s time, Mom.”

He spent his last moments in peace, as Mom held his head in her arms, and he continued to gaze into The Light. Contrary to what the nurse thought was inevitable, he did not fight to take his last breath. He didn’t bother to take that last breath. He reached over and gently took my hand, bringing it to his heart, as he quietly and serenely stepped out of his body. Serenity was my father’s goal as an alcoholic, and he died in perfect serenity.

This all happened within an hour of my arrival, just as my father had predicted. He had said, “In an hour, I won’t hurt anymore.” My father had chosen the moment of his death after keeping his agreement to wait for me.

Part V: Staying with Him

We didn’t leave him alone while he was making his transition. We knew he was still present in the room with us. We could feel his life force near his      body, even though blood no longer flowed through his veins.

David joined us by Dad’s bed in the living room as we all cried and expressed our love to him. David was quietly sobbing. He didn’t say a word, so I finally asked him, “Do you want to tell Grandpa how much you love him. He can still hear you.” Through tears he said, “I couldn’t say it, so I showed him.” Then I understood why he had insisted on doing the messy task of cleaning up the vomit after my father. My father could be a very critical and difficult man. David had tried to come close to him, but couldn’t. In the end, however, he had found a way to express his love.

With tears rolling down my face, I began reading the last section of the Course to my father. It was his favorite part that began with, “Forget      not, once this journey is begun, the end is certain.” The last line is, “The Son is still, and in the quiet God has given him enters his home and is at peace at last” (Epilogue, Teacher’s Manual 91-92).

We wanted to continue to support my father and help make his transition as loving as possible. We didn’t want to abandon him or his body. The body was the form he identified with as himself, even though he no longer lived there. He needed time to let go of his identification with the body. We didn’t want him forced to watch his body being drained of blood, pumped full of embalming fluids, or mutilated, while he was still attached to it in any way. We were prepared to break with tradition to give him all the time and space he needed to make a safe and graceful transition.

We complied with the law by letting the morticians come to the house and inspect his body. However, we didn’t let them remove it. By law, we were required to dispose of the body within 24 hours, but we weren’t required to remove it from our home. This was our time to be with Dad and his body. We made arrangements for the mortician to pick up his body when we were ready for the cremation. We chose to stay with all parts of him until then. While we knew that Dad wasn’t his body, it was the only form of him that we related to. We didn’t cover his head with a sheet. His body hadn’t suddenly become offensive. It had no odor, even though we kept it with us for about 18 hours on a hot summer day.

It was comforting to all of us to stay together like this. It gave us time to spend alone with him, sharing with him whatever we still needed to say. My brother, Don, didn’t arrive until several hours after his death, so Don was especially grateful for this time alone with Dad. Don slept on the couch next to his bed.

The next morning, the whole family was feeling complete with Dad and grateful for the experience. Don and I went out to pick up the death certificate. When we returned and walked in the front door, I was shocked to see the body totally different. I exclaimed, “Why that’s a corpse!” My father’s presence was no longer a part of this body.

When I touched the body, I discovered that the rigormortis, which had been there previously, was completely gone. This was confirmation my father had let go of his attachment to the body. Fear was no longer present in his body. A mortician in Iowa told me that rigormortis has no known physical cause, because it can’t be detected under a microscope. He confirmed my theory that rigormortis is evidence of fear or attachment and is present as long as a person is still hanging onto the body. He said rigormortis sets in immediately in the body of an accident victim, while it may not set in at all in the body of someone who has been in a coma for a long time. A person who has been comatose for a long time has already stopped identifying with the body. When people have been prepared to die for some time, rigormortis usually sets in a few hours after death and leaves again some hours later, usually within 18 to 24 hours after death.

We called the morticians to come and get the body. My brother lovingly accompanied it all the way to the crematory. Later, we planted a new tree with my father’s ashes fertilizing the roots to bring new life.

Part VI: Memorial Service

We broke with many other traditions surrounding death. We didn’t let the funeral home do anything but arrange the flowers at the church and print the programs for the memorial service. The funeral director tried to make us believe we had to use services that we didn’t want or need. In desperation, he finally offered his services free of charge, which we refused. I don’t think he wanted us to set a new trend that made him expendable.

The day of my father’s memorial service was a joyous one for our family. We had completed our grieving process with gratitude and wanted to share the healing we had received through it. We wanted others to know that death doesn’t have to be fearful.

Against the protest of the funeral director, we drove ourselves to the church. When we arrived, a hearse was parked in front. My brother quietly asked the driver to remove the hearse. Inside, the funeral director was busy handing out programs, even though we had told him our father’s AA buddy’s were going to be the ushers. My brother took the programs out of the funeral director’s hands and lovingly said, “You are a friend of my fathers. He would be glad that you are here. Please, take a seat and be comfortable.” My brother handed out the programs while I helped him greet people as they arrived.

During the service, the minister told everyone, “This family is most unusual. They have had the opportunity to work through much of their grief together, but they know that you haven’t had any time to grieve. So, instead of filing out the back of the church after the service, as is customary, the family has requested that you join them at the front. They want to help support you with your grief, too.”

The service my father had planned was beautiful. He had selected a poem about a ship sailing off over the horizon. Though the ship was disappearing from sight on one shore, it was not really gone. For on another shore, it was just beginning to appear.

Then he had a woman sing a song I wrote called, “Love Every Moment.” He said it expressed how he felt about life. The chorus lines are, “We have no past, and we have no future. All we really have is now. So don’t you waste it with unhappiness. Just turn all your thoughts into love, and love every moment of the day.”

©1984-2014 Kalie Marino, 215-672-1599

The post Father’s Last Journey appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

I was nineteen the first time I even heard the word alcoholic. My parent’s marriage counselor had asked Daddy if he thought he was an alcoholic. He told me about her ridiculous remark. I replied, “Your drinking isn’t a problem for me, Daddy. I always like it when you drink. That’s the only time you tell me you love me.”

Daddy was shocked and asked with amazement, “Don’t I tell you I love you when I’m sober?” When I shook my head no, he put his arms around me and began to sob. “But I do. I do love you so much.”

“I know that, Daddy, but it’s still important to hear it.” I said.

While our conversation didn’t inspire him to quite drinking, he did change the way he related to me. He no longer needed bottled courage to express his love. Every time he saw me, he gave me a hug and told me he loved me.

My father wasn’t a drunk. That’s probably why his problem went unrecognized for so long. While he seldom drank enough to be considered drunk, he drank steadily every evening. Since he never drank in the daytime, his drinking didn’t seem to interfere with his work. Without any of us really realizing what was happening, the alcohol was slowly eating away his brain cells, which interfered with every area in his life. His disease was subtly eroding his confidence, job performance, and enthusiasm for life. As his disease got progressively worse, no one in the family recognized the problem.

I moved to Iowa where I made friends who were in AA, Alcoholic’s Anonymous. They taught me about alcoholism, but I didn’t have to see my father’s problem progressing, because I lived 550 miles away. Maybe I didn’t want to see the problem. I just wanted to get along with him without fighting as I had done all of my life.

Mom began calling more often to complain about Dad’s drinking. Living with him had become increasingly difficult. He had blackouts and would do strange things without knowing he was doing them; things he would never have done otherwise. Although he was a difficult man, he had very high moral standards.

One night Mom called, terrified. During one of Daddy’s blackouts, he had taken a gun and held it against her head. He thought she was a burglar and threatened to kill her. It took a long time before he could recognize who she was. She said,“I could have been killed! This has gone too far. You have to do something, Kalie. You have to get him to stop drinking right away.” In keeping with the tradition of our dysfunctional family, my mother made me responsibility for the problem.

Mom reminded me that my two year old son, Michael, would be in danger, if Daddy continued to drink. I was taking a trip to Switzerland in three weeks and leaving Michael with my parents while I was away. Mom told me that she couldn’t guarantee Michael’s safety while he was with them. She didn’t know what Dad might do next.

My AA friends primed me on the necessity of confronting my father with his drinking and forcing him to get help. They told me that people don’t get help without a heavy confrontation, usually from a number of people working together. At that time in my life, confrontation meant conflict to me, and I wasn’t willing to be in conflict with my father. Conflict went against everything I was learning about how God worked in our lives.

After years of struggle, abuse and fighting, I finally had a loving relationship with my father. While he was still a very critical man, we had made peace with each other and forgiven the past. He was always nice to me when he drank. I had never criticized his drinking before, and I didn’t want to start now. But, according to my friends, there was no peaceful way to confront him. I didn’t know what to do. I only knew one thing – – – I wasn’t willing to fight with my father.

I drove to my parent’s home a full two weeks before I had to leave for Switzerland. I had a mission to accomplish, and I needed time to do it. I had to provide safety for my son and my mother before I left. I desperately needed God’s help. All the way there, I prayed, “I want peace, and I am not willing to fight with Daddy. There has to be another way to get him to quit drinking. Show me a loving way to help him.” I decided I wouldn’t say anything to Daddy until I felt God’s Presence guiding me.

Dad got mad at me as soon as I got there. He had found out I was on an all protein diet. In spite of his alcohol and cigarette addictions, he was a health fanatic and organic gardener. He knew the value of a balanced diet and wanted me to be on one. After his initial outburst, he tried not to fight about it. He limited his comments to little digs and well pointed jabs, just to make sure I didn’t forget his disapproval of my diet.

One week went by and I still didn’t know what to do about his drinking problem. I had waited for a sign from God, but nothing happened. I couldn’t see a peaceful way to fulfill my mission. Had God forgotten me? Was this the exception, when peace wasn’t possible? If so, I would have nothing to do with it, because I wasn’t willing to fight with him anymore.

At breakfast, on my eighth day there, my father got angry at me again over my diet. However, this time he said, “You have no right to be on that diet! You have no right! You have a family to think of. You owe it to your family to be in good health.”

Here was the moment I had prayed for. I silently thanked God and said, “You’re right, Daddy. I do owe it to my family to be in good health.” I stuck out my hand to shake his hand. “I’ll make you a deal, Daddy.”

My father became very quiet. Slowly and reluctantly, he took my hand, saying softly, “I think I’m going to regret this.”

I looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I’ll go off the protein diet and eat a well balanced diet, so that I can be in good health for my family, if you will go off alcohol and attend AA meetings, so that you can be in good health for your family.”

My normally loud and outspoken father saddening became very still as I heard him say softly, “I’ll try.”

Then I turned to Mom and said, “And you’ll go to ALANON? Mom.” She nodded in agreement to my request.

I called AA immediately and got someone to come to the house and take my father to an AA meeting. He attended an AA meeting everyday for the next week, while he continued to drink. We all knew where he kept his bottle hidden and watched the level of it go down at the same rate.

During the week, I never mentioned his drinking. I just continued loving and supporting him in whatever way I could. I prayed everyday and put the drinking problem into God’s hands. I never thought for one moment the problem wouldn’t be resolved before I left.

The night before I left, I asked him, “How are you coming with your drinking, Dad?”

“The same as usual,” he snapped. My father never lied, and I was grateful for his honesty at that moment.

Then he blasted me with his anger. “How dare you call someone to take me to AA!”

I said, “I’m sorry, Daddy. I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I probably did it all wrong, but I only did it because I love you. I didn’t know what else to do.”

He continued to yell at me, saying, “Don’t you know that people have to stop drinking for their own reasons? No one can stop drinking for someone else.” He continued to blast me with one volley of anger after another. But, no matter what he said, my only reply was, “You’re right, Daddy. I probably did it all wrong, but I only did it because I love you.” I don’t know how many times I repeated that same statement, refusing to fight with him.

He ended our conversation by forbidding me to ever bring up his drinking problem again. I agreed not to speak of it again, simply because I wasn’t willing to fight with him. I just surrendered the problem to God.

The next day he drove me to the airport. I realized he was still drinking, and I was leaving my child in danger if he continued to drink. But somehow, I wasn’t worried. I trusted God and believed a miracle would happen to keep my father and my child safe.

As I went through the boarding gate, I said to my Dad. “Before I go, I’m going to break my word to say one thing to you. When I leave, I’m going to pray for you. I’m going to pray that you find your own reason to quit drinking.”

From that moment on, my father never took another drink. He became very active in AA, reaching out to help others as he helped himself. It was through AA that he experienced God and a passion for life I had never seen in him before. It was like he had really found himself at last.

Years later, after my father’s funeral service, his AA buddies told me how Daddy loved to tell the story of how his daughter got him to quite drinking by confronting him with love.

© 1984-2014 Kalie Marino, 215-672-1599

The post Confronting Alcoholism With Love appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

In the summer of 1980, my family and I drove to Florida to visit our friends, Satya and David. As soon as we arrive, they drove my husband and I, along with two other friends, Donna and Bob, to a retreat at Jim Gore’s Light Center in North Carolina.

Jim had been an atomic physicist, working for the government. Whatever he witnessed there gave him visions of the end of the world. He fervently prayed for God to show him what he could do to change this. He prayed, “Lord, I’m just one man, but there must be something I can do.”

God’s answer came in the form of an Effective Prayer, one of the most powerful meditations I have ever learned. Jim was told to make it freely available to people all over the world. This he has done, quitting his job to share this prayer full time. His story is a book in itself, so I will share only my experience using the prayer.

Effective Prayer includes seven parts of prayer. Most meditations and prayers use various forms of one or several of these parts. This is the only one I have found that includes all seven. (See Effective Prayer at end of this article.)

Jim explains this Effective Prayer as a series of steps to experiencing an effective prayer or meditation. He encouraged usnot to use it as memorized ritual, but to use the lines of the prayer as reminders of the essential ideas to be included in each personal prayer, making it whole and complete, and therefore, effective. The six of us learned how to use it creatively, expressing our own personal thoughts within each step.

The prayer helped us focus on seeing what is real, the light within us and within everything. We demonstrated our willingness to see and feel light by imagining what it would look and feel like if we could experience it. Our imagination is a very powerful tool of divine healing. Imagination creates the space for a real experience with real effects. We soon began to experience the reality and power of the light within us.

In this prayer, we don’t ask for things to change and be different than they are. We don’t ask for anything except to see the light and truth in everything, just as it is, allowing the light in us to join with the light in everyone and everything else. This empowers the truth to be made manifest in our life.

I am very practical, so I pray while I’m in activity, too. The first step in the Effective Prayer points out the importance of releasing ideas in our minds. I became aware that negative, fearful, and judgmental thoughts were passing through my mind on a fairly regular basis. While many of these thoughts appeared to be innocent, most of them were about the past or the future, thereby limiting my awareness of what was happening in the present moment. So, I practiced releasing my past or negative thoughts to the light as soon as I recognized them. It felt good, knowing I didn’t have to wait until I had time to meditate to clear my mind.

I was very vigilant in seeking and finding negative thoughts. In fact, I was so relentless that I got results I hadn’t expected. Instead of decreasing, the number of negative thoughts in my mind increased exponentially every hour. Instead of feeling lighter, I was feeling progressively worse. I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I began to think I wasn’t a very nice person. After all, my mind wasn’t a pretty sight. There was a lot of junk in there. Not only was I having negative thoughts, but I was also judging myself harshly for having them. I was buying the ego’s two-for-one special.

Then, I realized how I was hurting myself by using only the first step of the prayer by taking it out of context. In an effective prayer, releasing limitations and negativity is followed by remembering the truth of what we are. The second step is remembering what we are, “I am a light being. It is my nature to love.” I discovered it is essential to do the second step right after the first step. When I did only the first step, I was giving energy to the very things I was trying to get rid of. I wasn’t replacing my illusions with truth. By focusing only on illusions, I was taking on the identity of an unworthy illusion maker and sinking deeper and deeper into my own illusions.

After I realized this, I continued my vigilance of seeking and releasing limiting thoughts. However now, I became equally vigilant in seeking and remembering the truth, the light and love that I am. This change led to a huge shift in my awareness, bringing me tremendous peace. It also helped me learn how to choose peace more quickly and easily whenever I became disturbed by anything.

Part II: “The Light at Sea”

The six of us drove back to Florida feeling inspired by our new tool for enlightenment. Bob and Donna invited the four of us and our children to spend the next day on their sailboat, where we could practice using the Effective Prayer together. They had a huge sailboat that slept eight or ten people. Going to sea in a sailboat was the fulfillment of a dream for me. And it was free, which did a lot for my abundance consciousness.

The sailboat was tied up at a marina, just off Pensacola Bay. We used the sailboat’s motor to steer us through the narrow passageway that led from the marina to the bay. Once we got to the bay, we would unfurl the sails and sail twenty miles through the bay and then enter the Gulf of Mexico.

However, there was no wind in the bay that day, so we ended up using the motor through the entire length of the bay. Bob, the captain of our sailboat, guaranteed us there would be plenty of wind in the gulf.

Just as we were about to enter the Gulf of Mexico, the motor died. Bob sheepishly announced, “The sailboat is out of gas!”

He couldn’t just radio someone to bring us gas. Since the tank had run dry, the motor would have to be drained before gasoline could be added. We were at the mercy of the elements. The sails were our only remaining source of power, and not a breeze was stirring. We sat in the sailboat for hours, helpless to do anything but wait.

About mid-afternoon, Donna suggested we do the Effective Prayer together. Since we hadn’t memorized it yet, she said she would read it to us.

I remembered Jim had told us to be creative with the prayer and use it to see the light in everything, so I suggested, “When you get to the part in the prayer where we are suppose to radiate light to everything, would you please specifically mention the wind, the water, the boat, and the dock?” Donna thought that was a good idea.

It was a very quiet and peaceful meditation. In the appropriate place, Donna mentioned the wind, the water, the boat, and the dock. As soon as she did, we heard loud splashing just off the side of the sailboat. We thought a whole school of dolphins must be swimming beside us. We opened our eyes to see what was happening. What we saw was even more incredible than we had imagined.

The water all around the sailboat was boiling with fish, all kinds of fish. Fish were jumping into the air and landing on top of each other. There were so many of them, I wondered if I could walk on top of them. Bob exclaimed, “In thirty years of sailing, I’ve never seen anything like this.”

Then we noticed that the winds were blowing in our sails. It had all happened in an instant of joining.

The scene reminded me of the Bible story about Jesus fishing from a sailboat. His disciples were having a bad day fishing. Jesus merely said, “Cast your nets on the other side.” When they tried to pull up their nets, the nets were so heavily loaded with fish they could barely lift them. Jesus also said, “Anything I have done, you can do, and even greater things than these you shall do.”

We were doing what Jesus had done by making the fish appear. However, we hadn’t done it by trying to make anything happen. We hadn’t asked God to make the winds blow in our sails or fish to appear. We hadn’t concentrated on what we wanted. We had simply experienced the light within us “as real” and felt our oneness with the wind and the water, because the light was in them too.

I was learning that when we experience our oneness with anything, our wills are joined, creating harmony in all that we do together. It is natural for all of God’s creations to express love to each other, each in its own way. We had come into harmony with the wind and the water, and we were dancing together in love.

It was dark when we finally reached the marina area. Bob reminded us that he needed the motor to be able to steer the sailboat through the long narrow channel leading to the dock. He decided to beach the sailboat in the sand near the entrance to the channel rather than risk getting stuck in the channel or running into other sailboats inside the marina.

Just as he was about the beach the sailboat, the winds suddenly shifted, taking us right into the channel. Bob was shocked and scared. He was not in control of his own sailboat, and he was helpless to turn back. I reminded him, “The dock and the boat were in the meditation.” He became calm once more as he remembered his deep faith in God.

The winds guided us through the channel without any problems. As we approached the dock, Bob shouted to us, “Throw out the lines as we pass by the dock. If they don’t catch, grab something and hold on tight, because we’re going to crash into that big ship on the other side of the dock.”

We came in for a perfect landing. We didn’t so much as bump the dock.

As we were getting off of the sailboat, Bob apologized for running out of gas. “Please, don’t apologize,” I protested. “If you hadn’t run out of gas, I never could have learned what I learned today. This has been one of the most powerful experiences of my life. Thank you, Bob, for a perfect day and a powerful lesson.”

This was the first time I had experienced the effect of what I then thought of as “thoughts at a distance.” I wasn’t big on praying for others, because I didn’t see how my prayers in one place could possibly effect someone far away. While I understood the power of prayer to bring inner peace and a healthy body, I didn’t even imagine prayer influenced anything or anyone outside of me.

The most powerful prayers are those of oneness. We hadn’t asked for anything. We didn’t ask for anything be other than what is was. This was not attempt to manipulate nature. We merely extended our light, peace and love to the wind, the water, the boat and the dock, and in so doing, we came into harmony with each other and our mutual needs were met. It is an abundant universe and this is an effortless prayer of seeing the truth instead of illusions of separation.

I hadn’t yet come to realize that nothing is outside of me. Separation is the illusion. Bodies are separated in time and space, but our mind is One in the love and light that dwells within everything and everyone. My thoughts affect what appears to be outside of me in time and space, because everything is actually happening within my mind. By experiencing the truth of our Oneness, we are healed together in light and love.

Part III: “Lighting Up the Body”

The next day, I was scheduled to speak for an A.R.E. group. I was so excited about my new discovery that I decided to tell them about our sailboat trip and then guide them in using the Effective Prayer.

We were just about to start the prayer, when one of the members arrived late. She made a grand entrance wearing a steal brace. She hadn’t been out of bed since she was in a car accident ten weeks before. She exclaimed, “I don’t know what’s going on here today, but I knew I just had to be here.”

I explained what we were doing and told her to feel the light radiating all though her body, especially in the areas of greatest pain. Then we closed our eyes and began.

After the meditation, the woman in the steel brace was radiant. She stood up and exclaimed that she was pain free for the first time in ten weeks. What a beautiful miracle.

Later that day, I met with a professional astrologer. She wanted to meet with me because I had a teacher’s degree in astrology and she was struggling with a problem in astrology.

Her husband needed open-heart surgery, a risky operation under the best of circumstances. He was to be operated on in one week. Being in the military, he had no choice of dates. She was terrified, because she could see that he had death aspects on the day assigned for surgery. “What should I do? I want your advise as professional astrologer.”

After looking at his aspects and agreeing they were deadly, I said, “Since you have no choice in the date, it occurs to me that astrology isn’t very useful. It’s only making you fearful. Why don’t we put astrology aside and find something useful instead. We always have a choice. After all, your husband’s future is in God’s Hands, not yours or the stars.” With a deep sigh, she let go of control.

She listened gratefully as I shared the Effective Prayer. She gave it to her husband to use daily before the operation, and she used it faithfully throughout the whole experience.

The operation was a total success. In fact, he recovered far more quickly than was expected and was home from the hospital two weeks early. There was nothing outside of him that had the power to hurt him, because he chose love instead of fear.

Art used the prayer to bring peace between his mother and sister. They hadn’t spoke to each other in over two years. After only two weeks of seeing them in the light together, they were reunited.

I used the prayer to help a man whose lung had collapsed. We were at the Kung Fu studio when it happened. Since this had happened to Larry many times before, he was prepared for the worst. His lungs were so bad that he was on disability and unable to work.

I asked Larry if he wanted to bring the light and heal them, because he had already successfully used the Effective Prayerin other areas of his life. Larry refused help. “This is different,” he said. So, I put him in my car and drove him to the hospital. On the way there, we cleared up some of his reasons for staying sick. His defenses against healing began to drop away.

I stayed with him in the emergency examining room. When the doctor examined him, he agreed that Larry’s condition was critical. The doctor ordered x-rays and left the room.

I asked Larry once more if he was ready to heal his body. He agreed this time with an open heart. We prayed together, flooding his body with light and love. His breathing became deeper and freer. By the time the x-ray technician arrived, Larry was feeling great. To the doctor’s surprise, the x-rays came out clear. Larry’s lungs have been doing great since then, and he is working full time.

There is no order of difficulty in miracles. We are always free to choose a peaceful and loving solution for every problem that confronts us. There is nothing outside of us that has the power to harm us in anyway, and there is no situation the love and light of Our True Self can’t heal.

© 1984-2014 Kalie Marino

Effective Prayer

1. I release all of my past, future, grievances, fears, human relationships, self-image and limitations, desire for love, sex and money, judgments and communications to the Light.

2. I am a Light Being. [It is my nature to love.]

3. I radiate the Light from my Light Center throughout my Being.

4. I radiate the Light from my Light Center to everyone.

5. I radiate the Light from my Light Center to everything.

6. I am in a bubble of Light and only Light can come to me and only Light can be here.

7. Thank you God for everything, for everyone, and for me.

Amen

Use your imagination to see and feel the light’s radiance, even if you do not experience this spontaneously. Imagination can create the space for a real experience. Use these steps twice a day, allowing at least two minutes per step, and you will get results within two weeks.

This prayer comes from

United Research, P.O. Box 1146

Black Mountain, North Carolina 28711

The post Effective Prayer Story appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

Part I: Challenging Faith

Shortly after I got married, still in my 20’s, I attended a ladies circle meeting with my mother-in-law at our church. That week, the new minister visited the ladies meeting and led a discussion on saving non-Christians. He told us non-Christians were going to hell, because no one could reach God except through Jesus.

What he was saying didn’t sound very loving to me, so I spoke up and said,“My best friend is Jewish, and I can’t believe that a loving God would condemn her to hell. Even if she doesn’t believe in Jesus, she has a very deep faith in God. That has to count for something.”

Everyone appeared to be quite upset by my attitude. The minister told me, “It is your duty as a Christian to save your friend and bring her to Jesus.”

This didn’t feel right to me, so I replied, “If I brought her to Jesus, I would first have to destroy what she believes in, and I’m not sure I have anything better to replace it with, because her faith is even stronger than mine.”

Several mouths fell open in shock. The minister’s wife said, “In other words, you’re not a Christian!”

I freely admitted, “By your definition, I guess I’m not.” I didn’t even want to be a Christian if it meant condemning people to hell.

My name and the names of everyone in my husband’s family were quietly removed from the church registry, even though his parents had helped found the church and were elders and deacons there. I had been silently condemned for my attitude on non-Christians, and my husband’s entire family had been condemned along with me.

We quickly found another Presbyterian church with a more loving minister, but I had no enthusiasm for it. My experience had made me wonder if I really was a Christian or not, or if I even wanted to be one. How could I participate in a religion that condemned people for experiencing God in a different way? Although everyone blamed my experience on an over zealous minister, I couldn’t forget that Jesus himself had said, “No man cometh unto the Father but by me.” That is a pretty strong “I am the only way” statement, and I couldn’t accept it.

Shortly after we joined the new church, my five month old baby, David, was hospitalized for exploratory surgery on his urinary tract. He had been born with a birth defect that caused the urine in his bladder to back up into his kidneys, which were constantly infected. He was losing one kidney and would eventually lose them both if the doctors couldn’t find a way to correct the problem. They needed to enter his urinary tract to see exactly what was happening before they could decide on a course of action.

David also had a blood protein deficiency, which made him highly susceptible to diseases of any kind. We wore masks and gowns even at home to keep him free of infection. He had to be healthy for one full week before the doctors could do the exploratory operation. When he was five months old, we finally succeeded in keeping him healthy for one week and brought him to the hospital, infection free.

The first day we were there, the minister from our new church came to visit us. The minister looked like Clark Gable, so he had my attention. He listened non-judgmentally as I shared my misgivings about Christianity. Then he blurted, “Let’s be honest with each other and put all the cards on the table. Not only do you not believe in Jesus, you don’t believe in God.”

His statement shocked me, but after giving it some thought, I decided he might be right. I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore. I certainly didn’t believe in a God that condemned people. So I went along with him and said, “Okay. I don’t believe in God.” I was surprised that I felt relieved just to be able to say that. This was such a taboo statement in our culture. I had been taught I could be condemned to hell just for thinking it.

Instead of condemning me, the minister said, “Great! Now we have a place to begin. A clean slate, so to speak.”

He went on to say, “Let’s face it, whatever God is, He is so vast that He is unimaginable. Even the concept of God goes beyond our ability to comprehend. How can we believe in something we can’t even begin to imagine, let alone understand? God knows that. So, God sent us stepping stones, limited forms and expressions of His vastness. He knows we need to experience the reality of His stepping stones to bridge this gap of understanding.”

“So to the Jews, God sent the covenant as a stepping stone to Him. He told the Jews if they couldn’t understand the covenant, they couldn’t even begin to understand Him. To the Moslems, He sent Mohammed. To the Buddhists, He sent Buddha. And to you and I, Kalie, He sent Jesus Christ. God knows, if we can’t understand Jesus and his teachings, we can’t even begin to understand God. Now tell me, Kalie, what’s wrong with the statement, ‘Only through me shall you see the Kingdom of Heaven’

“Put that way, not one thing,” I replied. He had given me a bigger picture of this statement, one which gave it a totally different meaning, a meaning that heals. When the purpose for the statement is understood, it can’t be used to condemn.

This understanding also taught me the absolute necessity for believing in Jesus or some other stepping stone and for accepting Jesus’ help to reach God. It helped to heal my relationship with Jesus. It had been hard for me to feel good about someone that I perceived as causing others to be condemned.

Part II: The Long Dark Night

Right after the minister left, we discovered that David had picked up an infection in the hospital. He had diarrhea and a low-grade fever. In spite      of David’s condition, the Urologist wanted to proceed with the exploratory surgery. He didn’t believe there was anything to be concerned about.

Guided by my intuition, I refused to give the doctor permission to operate. “There is no way I will I let you cut on my baby while he has signs of infection,” It was extremely difficult for me to challenge the doctor’s opinion, because I was only twenty-two years old.

The Urologist was the doctor in charge, because David’s pediatrician was out of town. To make matters worse, I discovered that I couldn’t get another doctor to treat David for his infection unless I fired the Urologist first. Doctors were still considered infallible in 1965, so firing a doctor was unheard of back then. Never-the-less, I summoned all the courage I had and fired his doctor.

Even though I told the new doctor that my baby was really sick, the doctor didn’t show up until late that night. After he examined David, he said, “The Urologist told me there was no hurry to see the baby. He said you were just an hysterical mother. The problem is, I believed him. Now that I see just how sick your baby really is, I am deeply sorry for not coming sooner.”

David’s condition got much worse. All through the night, I knew my baby was dying. I felt helpless and unable to do anything but just sit by his bed. I seemed to go into some kind of a trance-like state in which I was unable to move. The world felt like a dream with nurses drifting in and out of my awareness. Looking back on that night, I believe my energy was being used to keep David alive.

By morning, David’s body was severely dehydrated. His veins had collapsed and he had gone into deep shock. The doctor cut all the way around his leg, just trying to find a place to insert a needle to give him fluids.

The doctor’s face was white as he told me, “Your baby is going to die. The shock is killing him, and there is nothing we can do to save him.” The doctor explained that David couldn’t pull out of shock unless his body’s immune system began working to take him out of shock. Since his temperature was 104°, his white cells should have gone up to fight the infection. Instead, they had dropped to half of normal. The doctor told me that only an increase in white cells could bring him out of shock, and they couldn’t inject him with white blood cells. White cells could only be produced by David’s body itself. “He has nothing to fight with. He may be gone with the hour,” the doctor concluded as he wheeled David’s lifeless body into the intensive care unit.

While I had known all night that David was dying, it was different when I heard the doctor say it. Something inside of me screamed, “No! He’s not going to die.” After the doctor left, I walked up to the front desk and told the head nurse,“Keep our room. We’re coming back.” She only looked at me and shook her head sadly. I knew she didn’t believe me, but that really didn’t matter. I believed it.

I went to the chapel to pray. It was a Catholic hospital, so the chapel had statues in it. Since I was protestant, I had been raised to believe that praying to statues was a pagan practice, something to be avoided at all costs. Normally, I would have just sat quietly in a pew and prayed, enjoying the peace and serenity I had always experienced in Catholic churches. But on this day, I went right up to the statue of Jesus and knelt down before it. Jesus was my stepping stone to God, and I needed to reach God quickly. I desperately needed God’s help, and I was willing to reach Him any way I could.

I don’t know how much time went by as I prayed. I was sobbing uncontrollably, kneeling at the statue’s feet. Suddenly the room turned white. Even the statue itself began to grow dim. Then Jesus stepped out of the statue and came to where I knelt. Jesus told me, “Your baby will live. He has work to do to help the future spiritual leader of the world, who shall come from the East.” I didn’t understand his prophecy. The only thing I cared about was that my baby was going to live.

I went directly to the intensive care unit, and sat down to wait on the bench outside the door. To my surprise, as I looked up at the wall of the intensive care unit, I could see through it and into the room where my baby lay dying. I saw the Hand of God, holding my baby in total safety. I was at peace as I continued to wait for several hours.

Then three amazed doctors emerged from the intensive care unit, saying, “It’s a miracle! It’s a miracle!” My doctor exclaimed as he walked over to me. “David is out of shock! He is going to live. Remember I told you that his white count going up was the only thing that could save him. Well, it didn’t. It dropped even more; down to one fourth of normal. But he still pulled out of shock. Scientifically speaking, this is not possible! But it happened. So I really mean it when I say, it’s a miracle. He still has a long way to go. But he’s going to live.”

After he was healthy, they did the exploratory operation that was originally planned. They determined that the tube connecting his bladder and kidney was defective and would have to be replaced with an artificial tube. However, he was so tiny, that the scar tissue from the operation might cause more blockage than he already had. So we had to try and keep him alive until he was older for the operation.

One month later, a chiropractor from our church came to our home to play Bridge. He asked if he could see David. I laid David on his stomach across      my lap for the examination. He showed me where David’s back was out of alignment. He made a minor adjustment, using only two fingers on my baby’s small back. David’s next diaper was so strong with the smell of infected urine that we couldn’t stand to be in the same room with it. We took the diaper outside and threw it into the trash barrel.

Overnight, David became totally healthy. The doctors didn’t believe this was possible, so they ran more tests. But to their amazement, they couldn’t find anything wrong with him. He was in perfect health. David was truly a miracle baby! He was healed in the Hands of God.

Part III: Crossing Over

When David was five years old, he became violently ill again. I stayed awake taking care of him for five days and nights before the doctor decided to hospitalize him. That’s when we learned that David had contracted aplastic anemia, a fatal disease of the immune system.

I was relieved he was being taken care of in the hospital, because I was exhausted. While I was upset by the diagnosis, I was too tired even to think about it. Like Scarlet O’Hara in Gone with the Wind, I decided to think about it tomorrow. My husband, Art, wanted to escape the pain by going to a drive-in movie. I went alonge with him, knowing I could sleep at the drive in.

We went to see a horrible movie, “Blood Island,” and parked on the front row. I guess the intensity took me over the edge, because I had a heart attack. I couldn’t breath. I could inhale, but it didn’t feel like I was getting any oxygen. The world faded out. Art said my heart stopped beating for several minutes. He thought I was dead. Perhaps I did.

I had a fantastic experience! I heard beautiful, other worldly, music, and then my guardian angel appeared. I knew I was dying, but I resisted death      out of concern for my children. What would happen to them? My angel showed me that my children would be fine without me. After I knew my children would be all right, I felt at peace and free to walk into the light. There was nothing I wanted more than to go Home to God. The light was so beautiful and compelling.

However, just as I started to leave, I remembered that I hadn’t accomplished my life’s goal. My goal was to become love. My guardian angel suggested that I could become love as of that moment and fulfill my mssion. This was a wonderful and welcome solution. I rejoiced and started to accept her solution, when I suddenly had a deeper realization. “No!” I exclaimed. “I need to become love and live it.”

My guardian angel understood my need, but she cautioned me about what lay ahead if I decided to return to life. She showed me how my personal growth had come from my environment. I had been moved along by the currents of life, without really choosing my own destiny. Nothing in life was going to force me to grow if things stayed the same. I could just vegetate and get by on past accomplishments without making any real progress.

She told me the only way I could continue to grow was by choice. I would have to choose to create changes and opportunities for growth in my life, instead of just doing what came easy to me. I agreed to live my life by choice from that time forward, creating opportunities for growth.

With that thought, I was suddenly back in my body, experiencing a lot of pain. My husband was bending over me, frantically trying to force me to breath. I gasped for air and got it. I felt weak, but I knew I was all right. I didn’t need to see a doctor. I wasn’t sick. The only purpose for my dying experience was so that I might begin to live.

I had also learned that death wasn’t to be feared. Death was merely the process of being transformed into light. The Light was beautiful and compelling. The music was like none I had ever heard before. I had truly wanted to walk into the Light. Only my life’s purpose brought me back. I no longer feared my own or my son’s death. That changed everything.

Part IV: Love Has No Limits

That night, I took a fresh look at what I was to do about David. I prayed and asked God for guidance. I had learned a lot about healing in the past few years. I had learned enough to know that healing the body is not always appropriate. Perhaps it was time for David to make a transition to the other side. Because of my new experience with death, I knew it wasn’t anything to be afraid of. I wanted to know God’s plan for David? Was he to be healed or make a transition? I didn’t want to interfere with God’s plan. I loved David more than I wanted to hang on to him.

I wanted to know what was best for David, so I prayed for an answer. Then I heard the still small voice inside me saying,“You don’t have to know what is best for David. All you have to do is love him. If he is to be healed, your love will heal him, and if he is to make a transition, your love will help him make the transition.” How simple was the answer. I fell into a peaceful sleep. God was asking me to do something I knew how to do . . . love.

I went to the hospital the next morning feeling renewed and excited to begin the next leg of our journey together, David and I. He was still my miracle baby. I had learned so much from him during his short time on earth. I was very grateful to have him in my life.

When I walked into the hospital room he was playing with his toy soldier. He shot the soldier and then picked him up in his arms. I said,“That’s right, honey, love him. Love heals.”

David looked up at me in amazement, like he was puzzled that I didn’t understand what life was all about. To my amazement, he said, “Mommy, it doesn’t matter. He’l just be born again.” Out of the mouths of babes! What wisdom. He didn’t see death as a limit to life either.

Not wanting to miss an opportunity to help him, I decided to teach him what to do after he leaves the body. I said, “You’re right, honey. Then tell him to follow the light.”

“What light, Mommy?” He puzzled.

I pointed above his head, saying, “The Light of God.”

As David looked up, he began staring at something above his head. The expression on his face was one of wonder and amazement. Then his pupils began to dilate as he said, “Oh Mommy, it’s boo-ti-full!”

There was no question in my mind that he was seeing The Light and The Light was real. I thought he was going to follow The Light right then and there. Not wanting to push him into anything, I made a joke to pull him out of this state.

I decided to quite trying to teach him anything. I’d do what God asked me to do instead. Love therapy was much safer. I’d just love him and let nature take its own course. Nature didn’t need my help.

Shortly after that, the doctor and nurses arrived to take David for a bone marrow test. To everyone’s surprise, they weren’t gone very long. They came back without doing the test, because his new blood tests showed that his body had done a complete reversal. His platelets had mysteriously returned to normal.

The doctor said, “I don’t want you to get your hopes up. This doesn’t mean David is cured. His disease is terminal. It has just gone into remission. You’ll be bringing him back to the hospital within the month to die.”

David is now 47 years old, an extremely healthy, athletic, and loving father to three beautiful children. Now and then I still remind him that he will always be my miracle baby and my teacher of love. David taught me that there are no limits to what love can heal.

© 1984-2014 Kalie Marino, 215-672-1599

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While many of us are learning how to empower ourselves by letting go of the victim perspective on life, sometimes it is difficult not to see ourselves or others as unjustly treated. There appear to be real villains and victims in the world, and some things seem unforgivable. Can we forgive people for committing murder and other atrocities without being in denial? This true story demonstrates that there is nothing you cannot forgive.

A friend, who I shall call Mary, first joined our A Course in Miracles study group when she was going through a horrendous child-custody battle with her husband. He was severely disturbed and had projected his guilt on Mary by trying to make her think that she was insane. He kicker her out of their home and vowed that he would never give her one cent or return any of her things. He also vowed never to let her see her son, Benji, again.

He was a sick and bitter man who lived in the woods to avoid the people he hated. He taught Benji to say things like,“People are pigs.” He was wealthy enough to wage a prolonged court battle against Mary, in an attempt to prove that she was an insane and incompetent mother. He hired three lawyers, two psychiatrists, and two psychologists to prove his case. After two and a half painful years, the court reached its decision. They awarded Mary custody of Benji, along with a relatively small financial settlement. He was given visitation rights, even though the judge and his own psychiatrists saw him as harmful to himself and others when he didn’t get what he wanted.

He was furious and carefully set out to plan his revenge. He gave away his most valuable possessions, sold all of his stocks and bonds, withdrew his money from the bank, and took the cash home with him. Then he picked up Benji for the weekend, giving Mary a large check drawn on a bank account that he had just emptied. Next, he took Benji into his house and fatally shot him, set his house on fire, and then shot himself.

He must have wanted to make sure that the house and everything in it burned to the ground, because he cut the neighbor’s telephone lines, preventing them from calling the fire department. Then he parked his truck in the entrance to his land so that no one could get up the driveway. We can only assume that he wanted to be sure nothing was left for Mary. His final touch of vengeance was that he did this horrible crime early in the morning on Mother’s Day.

The initial shock almost killed Mary with grief. Then she realized that, while she couldn’t change what had happened, she could choose what she wanted to come of this tragedy. She asked, “Do I want to live or die?” To her, this meant, “Do I want to continue to be myself and love life, or do I want to die a slow death through hatred of this man who murdered my son and tried to take everything from me?” Life or death; love or hate. She had no illusions about the choice she was making, for she knew that hate would block her from fully expressing her love for Benji and for life itself. Love and hate cannot coexist. To experience one is to give up the other. When we hate, we do not love.

Mary wanted to continue loving Benji and to express her love for Benji in the activities of her life. So, instead of hanging on to her grievances and infecting herself with the same hatred that had caused both deaths, Mary chose to see it differently and forgive him with God’s help.

While Mary knew better than anyone just how cruel his actions could be, she was also aware of what went on inside of his mind to cause such hatred. He was a hurt person, so he thought that by hurting others he could somehow relieve his own pain and guilt. We all do that when we choose to hang on to a grievance. But every time he hurt someone else, it only increased his guilt, escalating into madness. He couldn’t face his own guilt, and so he wasn’t able to forgive himself. He didn’t know how to forgive, so he never released his pain. When Mary asked him why he did these things, he replied,“Because I need help.”

He suffered from such hatred that he tried to take everything away from Mary, and what he couldn’t take away, he destroyed, even when it meant destroying what he loved the most, which was his own son, Benji. To hate this man or anyone is to become infected with the same disease that led to his death. Mary saw hatred as a disease, and she refused to let this sickness infect her. She chose to remain healthy and loving. She didn’t allow this sick man to decide how she was to live her life. She was free to love and therefore to live, which is what his True Self really wanted for her, for that is what he truly wanted for himself but didn’t know how to get.

She didn’t do this alone. She has a deep and abiding love of God that she called upon to forgive her husband for her. It was the strength of God in her that made forgiveness possible and still shines as a light of inspiration for us all. She truly qualifies as a teacher of forgiveness.

Mary told me, “You can’t hurt good. The devil can’t penetrate God, and I want to be proof of that. I’m not going to let this illness put a piece of anger in my heart where I would have to live with it.”

Mary is proof that we can forgive anyone for anything, because it is natural to love and, therefore, absolutely necessary to forgive. Forgiveness is not a luxury reserved for saints. If we are to love at all, forgiveness is a necessity. When we are holding a grievance against anyone, we are not free to be ourselves; we are not free to live, love, and enjoy life. If Mary can forgive this man, is there anyone or anything you can’t forgive?

It’s is okay to be angry. Forgiveness is a process that is not done alone. It starts with recognizing your resentment or anger. That’s how you know there is something to forgive. Accept it, express it, and then ask God to help you release it. Let God forgive for you. Don’t try to do it alone.

Above all else, don’t make yourself wrong for being angry or upset—and don’t fear your emotions, because your fear will make you sick. This man’s fear of his emotions stopped him from seeing the real problem, which was his own emotional state. If he had been able to recognize and heal his anger, this tragedy would never have happened.

If this man had known how to make his life turn out loving and happy, he would have done it. He simply didn’t know how. This is true of anyone who ever hurt you. Within their ignorance is their innocence. This is true for all of us. Within our ignorance is our innocence.

Don’t think Mary didn’t grieve for her son, because she did. She felt the loss of her son’s touch very deeply, but she knew that the most she could do for him was to love him. At first, she struggled with how to love her son and make contact with him in a meaningful way, without the ability to see or touch him. She had to learn a new way of loving.

There is one thing of which I am certain, and I know Mary is too—her son is just fine. Like all of us, he came into this life to learn and teach love, for that is what he is and what we all are. He did a fine job of it, for in less than four short years he won the hearts of many people, while loving passionately in the middle of a war zone. What an accomplishment!

When I think of Benji, I will forever think of the power of forgiveness and miracles, for I saw a tragedy of great proportion turned into a lesson on love. Many lives in Mary’s community were transformed. She showed people a new way of living … a way of forgiving. We saw for ourselves that there is no order of difficulty in miracles, and there is nothing that cannot be forgiven.

“Forgiveness is the key to happiness. Here is the answer to your search for peace. Here is the key to meaning in a world that seems to make no sense. Here is the way to safety in apparent dangers that appear to threaten you at every turn, and bring uncertainty to all your hopes of ever finding quietness and peace.”

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What is a miracle and how do they happen? While I can’t define a miracle, I am learning what they do. Among other things, a miracle creates a shift in perception that moves you from a state of fear into a state of peace. The whole world shifts with you, because everything looks different from this new state and you see yourself differently too. This story illustrates how this happens.

 One bright, sunny day, I was sitting in my bedroom meditating, feeling waves of peace. All of a sudden, I heard my husband and teenage son arguing in the kitchen downstairs. A feeling of dread came over me as I suddenly realized what would happen next. They would continue to argue and then come get me to referee their fight, as I usually did. It was a familiar pattern in our family, but one I had not seen clearly until that moment. We see things more clearly from a state of inner peace.

Today, I wasn’t willing to play referee. I was experiencing peace, and I wanted to keep it that way! I became defiant. The louder they fought, the harder I tried to drown them out, as I mentally chanted, “I want the Peace of God. I want the Peace of God.” That was the lesson I was working on. My Course in Miracles lesson that day said to choose peace … and that when peace was truly all I wanted, I would get it.

I heard them starting up the steps. They were quarreling all the way. “I want the Peace of God. I want the Peace of God,” I chanted, determined to keep my peace. I was new to The Course at the time and struggling to apply whatever it said to my current situation.

Soon, they were at my bedroom door. They pushed open the door and sat down in front of me as they continued to argue. Couldn’t they see I was meditating? Didn’t they know they were disturbing my peace?

By then, I had to admit I no longer had any peace to keep. I believed in our personal responsibility for the events in our lives, but I did not see how I could possibly be responsible for this quarrel, especially when all I wanted was peace! While I didn’t understand how I could have possibly caused the quarrel, by that point I realized I had become part of the conflict when I began resenting their intrusion on my peace.

I was determined to deal with this situation from a state of peace. So, I made a commitment not to say one word to anyone until I was at peace within myself. “I want the peace of God. I want the peace of God,” I continued to repeat in my mind, knowing now that I didn’t have peace. However, I was certain in my intention that I would have peace if I kept choosing it, and I was willing to wait for peace, no matter how long it took.

A Course in Miracles claims, “Infinite patience produces immediate effects.” And that is exactly what happened, because suddenly, the picture in front of me shifted. Instead of seeing two people quarreling, I saw two people in total agreement, wanting the same thing from each other. Spontaneously I exclaimed, “Oh! You agree with each other!”

They both turned toward me with looks of total astonishment on their faces. “AGREE?” They shouted in unison, both looking shocked, as if I had just slapped them across their faces.

“Yes!” I exclaimed with delight. “You both want love and respect, and you want it in the same way.”

They turned to look at each other, and tears came into their eyes. In that moment, they knew the truth. They were both calling for love, but because they each felt a lack of love, they didn’t realize that they each had what the other wanted and valued. In that moment of peace, we were all healed—together. And that is a miracle.

Miracles are perceptual shifts that lead to action, spontaneously. As I moved from the fear of losing my peace into a state of actually having peace, I saw the situation differently and spontaneously responded to what I saw through the eyes of love. I had moved my perspective from my head to my heart.

We don’t know the right thing to do until we are in the right state of mind to see things as they really are. Anything that disturbs our peace also distorts our perception. Seeing things from peace, we spontaneously know what to do. When we seek peace first, everything else is taken care of effortlessly.

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