Criticism in the form of faultfinding or name-calling is an attack, because it does not come from love or respect for the other person. When we are criticized, we feel attacked and defend ourselves in one of several ways.

Here are the 5 ways criticism destroys relationships:

1. We may attack back by finding fault with our attacker.
2. We may comply in an attempt to ward off more criticism.
3. We may be passive-aggressive and ignore what they say.
4. We may be vengeful and actually do even more of the thing that bothers them just to get back at them.
5. We may defend ourselves by trying to prove that we are not in the wrong.

The problem is that defenses of any kind only escalate problems in the relationship, because the defense becomes an attack on the other person.

This does not mean that you can’t tell someone when you don’t like his or her behavior. However, how you tell them is everything. If you tell them when you are angry, you will never get heard, because people automatically defend themselves from anger. If someone even points a finger at us, it feels uncomfortable and we react by becoming defensive. Our walls go up and we don’t hear what they have to say.

If you want another person to really listen to what you have to say and respect your opinion, you must first show that you respect them through using words of understanding, empathy, and validation. This establishes you as someone safe who does not want to hurt him or her.

A suggestion is just that and not a demand, so harping on a point is just trying to prove you are right, which is conflictual and negative. Have faith in the other person to do what is best for them in that moment. They don’t have to take your advice. If they don’t take your advice, and they fall on their face, be there for them in a supportive way so they can learn and grow from the experience. “I told you so,” is a criticism and is not supportive.

If a person who appreciates you for the person you are makes a suggestion, you are more likely to listen to that person than someone who is just criticizing you, pointing out your faults, or worrying about you unnecessarily because they lack faith in you. When a person is supportive of you, their comments are seen as suggestions for improvement and not criticisms.

How do you like people who criticize you? Not much, I’d venture. We don’t usually feel good about ourselves when we are around people who are critical of us. We enjoy being around people who accept and appreciate us just the way we are. No one likes a critic! While we can overcome our reaction to them, they may still be at the bottom of our popularity list.

I remember comforting a young teenage girl who was jealous because a new girl was getting all the attention of her friends. When I asked her to describe the new girl, the first thing she thought of was how accepting and nonjudgmental the new girl was of everyone. I asked, “Do you like that?” When she replied that she did like it, I asked her if she thought she was that way herself. With a shocked look on her face, she reflected on her own judgmental nature and admitted that, like her friends, she would prefer being around a nonjudgmental person. She was a fast learner and began altering her critical attitude, which changed her popularity with her peers.

The post 5 Ways Criticism Destroys Relationships appeared first on Open Heart Institute.

When doctors measure your heart’s activity with an EKG or your brain’s activity with an EEG, the graphs show the frequency patterns of electricity running through them. Three thousand years ago, the Chinese realized our bodies are electrical and decided to map the circuits. We call this map the meridian system, which is the basis of Chinese medicine, acupuncture and acupressure. These forms of energy psychology can be used to treat trauma; energy psychology for trauma.

When you experience a traumatic event, not only does it disturb you emotionally, but your body’s energy pathways get short circuited. It is like having someone stick a screw driver into your wiring system. This short circuit is triggered by people, things or situations that are in anyway similar or associated with the traumatizing event. It throws you off balance. Repeated triggering not only re-traumatizes you, but makes inappropriate associations or energy pathways in your nervous system that change your personality and way of dealing with life.

Everyone has experienced events that were traumatic for them, events that involved embarrassment, pain, loss or danger. These traumatic events are stored in the nervous system and become “the buttons” that get pushed by others, throwing you out of balance. This is why years of using talk therapy alone may not heal old wounds.

Scientific breakthroughs in energy psychology have made techniques available that bring effective, long lasting relief. They can help you understand yourself holistically and make connections between mind, body and spirit in therapy. You can learn to bring all aspects of yourself into balance by reconnecting the short circuits and getting in touch with your innate spiritual nature. Then you will see yourself differently and experience more happiness and freedom in your life.

Along with energy psychology, I use the most powerful healing resources available, which are compassion, intuition, spiritual guidance, faith, forgiveness and love, because an open heart brings quicker results from all healing methods.

Were You Traumatized?

See a list of trauma symptoms and learn what you can do about it. Learn how you can trigger an innate, natural stress release process in the brain that often produces rapid and long lasting changes even when other types of treatment have failed.

• Do disturbing memories haunt you or interfere with your sleep?
• Are you afraid to go places or do things that are important to you?
• Were you in an accident or natural disaster?
• Did you witness an assault or rape, or were you the victim of violence?
• Were you physically, emotionally or sexually abused or assaulted?
• Did you lose a loved one suddenly through an accident, suicide or violence?
• Do you suffer from depression, anxiety, addiction, phobia or self-esteem issues?
• If you answered “Yes” to even one of these questions, the effects of trauma may be interfering with your happiness, productivity, popularity and success. Most people don’t realize that they have been traumatized. The symptoms of trauma show up in many different ways, including personality changes, aggressive and avoidance behaviors, withdrawal, fearful reactions, re-experiencing traumas, memory and concentration problems, sleep disorders, and nervous habits.

Most people don’t seek therapy for one of the following reasons:

1) They don’t recognize the impact of traumatic events on them

2) They don’t think anything can help, or

3) They don’t want to bring up painful memories, thinking that “not remembering” will protect them from the pain.

Like ostriches with their heads buried in the sand, some people think that by denying or repressing a memory, it won’t affect them, while those around them may be painfully aware of its affects.

One of the biggest myths is that time heals all wounds. Time does not heal all wounds. They may not remain on the surface, but they are still active as triggers that reinforce old wounds. Unhealed wounds are emotional buttons that get pushed involuntarily, triggering inappropriate emotional and sometimes physical reactions that adversely affect our lives and our health. They can actually get worse over time

Until recently, most people have been unaware of any effective methods for giving significant help to those suffering from trauma and Post Traumatic Stress. Now there are several powerful energy psychology tools available that can trigger an innate, natural stress release process in the brain that often produces rapid and long lasting changes even when other types of treatment have failed.

Kalie Marino, MSW, clinical therapist, specializes in trauma and relationship issues. She can be reached at 215-672-1599 for private sessions and educational lectures.

The post It’s Not All In Your Head – Energy psychology for trauma appeared first on Open Heart Institute.